Behind the Scenes: Overcoming My Fear of Clowns

I’m not sure how it all started. If you asked me as a little girl what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d have told you a clown. At least, that’s what I wanted to be until my sweet mom put me in a clown costume for Halloween one year. I was terrified. I kicked and screamed and cried and wouldn’t leave the house for my school’s annual Halloween parade. Luckily for me, Mom was super talented, and with just 30 minutes to spare, managed to create a whole new costume for me – she says it was an evil fairy. I say a witch. Either way, I loved it and walked in the parade with pride.

That Christmas, my class had a gift exchange. Somehow, I ended up with a Barbie. Those who know me now or knew me as a child, know that I was disgusted by dolls and all things girly at that age. I played with dinosaurs and army men and micromachines. And I loved my stuffed animals. But Barbie….something about her really made me want to take a Sharpie to her face. Anyway, I was devastated. But so was another one of my classmates who ended up with this Bozo the Clown punching bag. It was this inflatable, life-size (well, child-size) toy with sand in the bottom, so it would pop back up at you when you punched it. But I loved it. We traded gifts, and both went home happy. And so, the relationship began. This little girl, taking her aggressions out on an inflatable creepy clown.

Fast forward to my adulthood. Movies like IT had me running from the theater. Fun Houses gave me nightmares. I was even afraid of Ronald McDonald!

And then came the day I dreaded most – I was asked to host a radio broadcast with two clowns at the circus. I was sick to my stomach. But it was my job, and I knew there was no way to back out or avoid it as I had done in years past. So, there I was, walking into an empty arena…just me and two of the most frightening characters I’d ever witnessed in my life. One reached out to shake my hand, and I politely declined. He laughed, immediately sensing my fear. Let’s just say I don’t remember the rest. All the adrenaline that rushed to my head had me in full blackout mode. But when I was done and managed to escape the ring unscathed, I felt something else emerge from the shadows of my fear – pride. I had just taken the first step to becoming brave enough to face this coulrophobia head-on.

In the early years of Scarywood, my friends convinced me to join them in the park. I asked about the clowns, and they told me they were designated to one area – an area of which we could avoid. Well, they lied. And I quickly realized upon my arrival that in order to get to the majority of the rides and haunts, I would be corralled into Clown Town. Immediately, my heart started to beat through my chest, and I could feel my blood pressure peak. A wall of jiggling, horrifying clowns dangled by their necks and feet by ropes, with the living clowns lurking in the fog and shadows, waiting to get the jump scare. Waiting for me to pee my pants. And in my mind, waiting for me to meet my demise.

Obviously, I survived. It was yet another one of those blackout moments. But I did it. And you better believe I anticipated it for a full year until we did it again, and again, and again, making it an annual tradition and slowly, my favorite silent victory.

Now, here I am, working at the place that started my transition from terrified to just a little fearful and creeped out. I was ready to face that fear head-on and full circle.

It was time I became a clown.

The little girl inside of me begged me not to do it. But my curiosity got the best of me. What was I so afraid of on that Halloween so many years ago? There was only one way to find out.

So, on a spooky Thursday night with a sky shimmering with the northern lights, I sat myself down on a stool with our Makeup Manager, Genevive, and let her turn me into my nemesis. I was then sent to wardrobe, where I chose my attire (fit for a five-year-old who was allowed to dress herself on the first day of school) and was sent off into the darkness and fog of Clown Town.

One look in the mirror and something changed in me. It was like I was looking back at that little girl on Halloween so many decades ago. Only now, I was wise enough to tell her it was going to be okay. And I had to admit, she looked pretty darn cute and not so scary. And that’s when I became her. I named her Fruity Pebbles. My alter ego clown loved to skip. She carried a purple flower and when people bent to smell it, she startled them with an ever-so-sweet, “Boo.” A perfect distraction for the other clowns ready to jump out at their prey. By the end of my inaugural night of haunting, I managed to get more compliments than screams, and at one point had all the guests of Clown Town skipping through the streets with me like a flash mob, popping fog-filled bubbles and giggling until our cheeks hurt, taking selfies in the cotton candy scented fog.

As I washed off my makeup for the night and watched Fruity Pebbles become Sara Jean again, the one thing I couldn’t wipe off my face was my smile. My hair was matted with makeup and sweat. My feet and back were on fire from all the skipping and twirling. But my heart was beating with a new type of adrenaline rushing through my veins…this strange feeling that I belonged. That maybe in this scary world, I managed to make my first wish come true. When I grew up, I wanted to be a clown. And now, I finally was.

Perception is everything. Sometimes we just have to become the face of what we fear to figure out how to change it, or at the least, embrace it.

MEET THE AUTHOR

Sara Jean is the Public Relations Manager at Silverwood & Scarywood. She grew up in Northeastern Washington and has been frequenting the theme park since she was a little girl. SJ is a proud Wazzu grad (GO COUGS!) and lover of all things furry. In fact, her co-workers have dubbed her Snow White! When she’s not saving the worlds animals and creatures, you can find her hiking the trails of North Idaho with her adventure buddy and pup, Cricket or teaching her new kitten Mowgli how to become a feline explorer so she can join them one day. After 15 years as a local radio personality, you may recognize SJ’s voice as the host of The Silverwood Show Podcast! Give it a listen HERE to get to know her even better!

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